LAWINJAWING

LAWING 'N JAWING

Based on LAWING AND JAWING AND COCK ROBIN

ZORA NEALE HURSTON

(1931, LOC)

Adapted by

Stephen Peace

sweeping@mindspring.com

1656 Canberra Drive

Stone Mountain, GA 30088

(comments: when I read this I about died laughing, and each subsequent time I read it, I laugh. All I did was take out some of the dated language and refrences, combine two plays and do a little rewrite. This is still, basically, Zora Neals Hurston's work and I have the deepest respect for her! The originals are available to read at the Library of Congress)

Time:

Present (1931)

Place:

Waycross, GA

Scene:

Judge Dunfumy’s Court

Persons: Judge Dufumy, Officer Simpson and another, Jemima Flapcakes, Cliff Mullins,

John Barnes, two lawyers, a clerk, a pretty girl and her escort.

Setting: usual courtroom arrangement, except that there is a large red arrow pointing off stage left, marked “To Jail.”

Action:

At Rise everybody is in place except the judge. Suddenly the BAILIFF looks off stage right and motions for everybody to rise. Enter the JUDGE. He wears a black cap and gown and has a gavel in his hand. The two POLICEMEN walk behind him holding up his gown. He mounts the bench and glares all about him before he seats himself. There is a PRETTY GIRL in the front row left, and he takes a good look at her, smiles, frowns at her escort. He motions the police to leave him and take their places with the spectators and he then raps vigorously with his gavel for order.

JUDGE

Hear! Hear! Court is set! My honor is on the bench. You moufy folks shut up!

He glares at the boy with the pretty girl.

Allright Mr. Whistle-Britches, just keep up dat jaw boning now and see how much time I’ll give you!

YOUNG MAN

I wasn’t talking, your honor.

JUDGE

Well, quit looking so moufy.

To BAILIFF

Call de first case. And I warn each and all dat my honor is in bad humor dis mawnin’. I’d give a canary bird twenty years for peckin’ at a elephant.

To BAILIFF.

Bring ‘em on.

BAILIFF (reading)

Cliff Mullins, charged with assault upon his wife with a weapon and disturbing the peace.

As CLIFF is led to the bar by the officer, the JUDGE stares ferociously

At the prisoner. His wife all in bandages, limps up to the bar at the

Same time.

JUDGE

So youse one of dese hard-boiled wife beaters, huh? If I don’t lay a hearing on you, God’s a gopher! Now, what made you cut such a caper?

CLIFF

Judge, I didn’t go to hunt her. Saturday night I was down on Dearborn Street in a Buffet Flat.

JUDGE

A Buffet Flat?

CLIFF

Aw, at Emma Haylee’s house.

JUDGE

Go on.

CLIFF

Well,

He points a thumb at his wife.

She come down dere and claim I took her money and she claimed I wuz spendin’ it on Emma.

CLIFF’S WIFE

And dat’s just what he wuz doing, too, judge.

CLIFF

Aw, she’s tellin’ a great big ole Georgia lie, judge. I wasn’t spendin’ no money of her’n.

WOMAN

Yes he was Judge. There wasn’t no money for him to git but mine.. He ain’t hit a lick of work since God been to Macon.

CLIFF

I’d be glad to work if I could find a job.

JUDGE

How long you been outa work?

CLIFF

Seventeen years.

JUDGE

Seventeen years?

To Woman.

You been takin’ keer of dis man for seventeen years?

WOMAN

Naw yo’ honor, but he been so mean to me, it seem like seventeen years.

JUDGE

Now, you tell me just where he hurt you.

WOMAN

Judge, tell you de truth, I’m hurt all over.

Rubs her buttocks.

Fact is I’m cut.

JUDGE

Did you get cut in de fracas?

Woman feeling the back of her left thigh below

Her buttocks.

WOMAN

Not in de fracas, Judge, just below it.

She starts to show the JUDGE where she has

Been cut. He motions for her to stop.

JUDGE

Balif lock dat man up ferlife, cause a wife beater and a fracas cutter ain’t no use ta nobody, plus dat he ain’t hit a lick in seventeen years soes nobody gonna miss him.

Bailiff takes the dejected man away. Lady exits all smiles.

Next case.

The young man on the first row is now holding the pretty

Girl . The Judge notices, looks once, gets mad.

You dere, get yo’ hands offin’ that girl. I ain’t havin’ no such goin’s on in my court room.

Matter of fact I’m tired a lookin’ at you and I’m gonna hear yo’ case rite now.

Balif, come stand dis man fo my honor.

Bailiff takes the astonished young man by the arm and drags

Him before the judge.

Now what you in here for?

YOUNG MAN

Nothin’.

JUDGE

Well, what you doin’ in my court for you gater faced rascal?

YOUNG MAN

My girl wanted to see whut was goin’ on, so I brought her in.

The JUDGE smiles at the girl.

JUDGE

She was usin’ good sense to come see whut I’m doin’. –but you, you comes in her moufin’ off and holdin’ hands, you disrespectin’ my court all over de place. So you comes in free, but you gonna have a hard time getting’ out!

YOUNG MAN

I ain’t done a thing. I ain’t never done nothin’ –I’m just as clean as a fish.

GIRL

That’s right judge, he been bathin’ all his life.

JUDGE

That ain’t no here nor there. (smiles at girl) Sorry dalin’ was I to loud?

GIRL

No judge, you was just statin’ your positon.

JUDGE SMILES at girl. Then he remembers the young man.

He looks back at him and frowns.

JUDGE (thinks)

You ain’t done nothin’, huh?

YOUNG MAN

That’s right!

JUDGE

Then you guilty of vacancy. – You heard it outta your own mouth. –Vacancy! –maybe even Malicious Vacancy!

JUDGE to BAILIFF.

Grab him Simpson, and search him. If he got any concealed weapons I’m gonna give him life plus eith years mo.

The BALIFF searches the young man. He finds an

Unopened deck of cards.

What you got there?

BAILIFF

Yo’ honr looks like a deck a cards. –He peers ta be one a dem fleece men.

JUDGE

You a fleece man?

YOUNG MAN

Yo’ honor, I ain’t used those cards, the seal ain’t even broke.

JUDGE

You got intent to use ‘em, havin’ ‘em on you is proof. So now you also charged with carryin’ concealed cards and tempting ta gamble.

Simpson, put him in de hoosegow- Ten years hard labor and throw away de key.

GIRL

But your honor, how I am gonna get home?

JUDGE

Don’t you worry yo pretty little head none about how you goin’ ta get home, ‘cause you gonna get took home right, ‘cause I’m gonna take you.

GIRL

But judge I gotta get may nails done at 2:00?

JUDGE

Don’t worry none, all des other case is guilty and we’s gonna be outta here sooner that you can blink yo’ pretty eyes.

Next case, and hurry up!

BAILIFF

Miss Jaminina Flapcakes, charged with illegal possession and sale of alcohoic liquors.

A belligerent woman approaches the judge.

JUDGE

Well, you heard what he said, is you guilty or unguilty?

WOMAN

Yo honor,

JUDGE

And woman, I’m tellin’ you right now, I got other cases ta hear and I don’t want no round aboutin’ talkin’. When you come befo me likes goin’ ta church. You better have a strong determination and you better tell a good experience. –An you do go to church don’t you?

WOMAN

Somes, --‘cept that fool of a minsiter puts me ta sleep and whies should I go to church and sleep when I can stay home and sleep?

JUDGE (loud)

That ain’t no here nor there. (smiles at girl) Sorry dalin’ was I to loud?

YOUNG GIRL

No judge, you just one powerful man and you can’t help it.

JUDGE beams.

JUDGE

Well, you wuzn’t in church, and you wuzn’t’ sleepin’,--- you were sellin’ liquor.

WOMAN (arms akimbo)

Yes, I sold it and I’ll sell it again.

Snaps fingers and shakes hips.

God made liquor and peoples ta drink it. – If God din’t want me ta sell liquor on Sunday, seems he’d a said somthin’ in tha Good Book? (looks closely at Judge) And seems I seen you once or twice, but usin’ some type of disguise.

JUDGE

Five thousand dollars, and ten years in jail.

Snaps fingers and shakes his hips.

How does that sound, Ms. Flapjacks?

WOMAN

Sounds like I might jest have to show dem pictures I got a somebody looks jest like you.

JUDGE scratches his head.

JUDGE

But owin’ ta good behavior and the production of them pictures. fine and jail suspended on yo word you won’t do it no mo’.

WOMAN

Judge, you knowin’ what my word is worth, and iffin’ you’re willin’ ta take it. (softly) And the pictures. –DONE!

JUDGE

Done and give them pictures and the negatives ta de Balif.

WOMAN swaggers from the courtroom snapping

Her fingers.

JUDGE

Next case.

Looks at girl.

See honey, des cases is jest flyin’ by.

BAILIFF

Yo honor, dis is Otis Blunt, charged with stealin’ a mule.

LAWYER

Yo’ honor, I’m the lawyer for this man and I come here to represent him.

JUDGE

Yo mouf might sprout like a coffee pot, but I got a lawyer too.

The prosecuting attorney who has been asleep

Is shook awake by the BAILIFF.

You get a good sleep their cousin’?

PROSECUTOR

Yes, cousin’ kind a you to ask.

JUDGE

Seems we go us a case here of a mule thief and a loud mouth lawyer full of jawin’.

PROSECUTOR shakes his head and scratches his head.

DEFENSE LAWYER

My client is innocent and I tend ta prove it.

JUDGE

Oh yeah, you kin try. --- (mean) But I kin see right now where he’s gona git all de time that God ever made that I ain’t already used already. –Which means from now on.

Go ahead and spread yo’ lings all over Geor-gy, --but he’s goin’ ta jail! --- Mules must be respected!

DEFENSE LAWYER

Yo’ honor, ladies

Looks at and winks at the pretty girl.

And Gentlemen.

JUDGE (threatening)

Never mind ‘bout that lady, she done spoken for. You talk yo’ chat directly ta me!

DEFENSE LAWYER

This is a clear case of syllogism! -- Again I say syllogism. – my client is innocent, because it was a dark night and that’s against all laws of syllogism.

Judge points at DEFENSE LAWYER.

JUDGE

Dat ol’ fool sho knows somethin’ ‘bout de law.

DEFENSE LAWYER

When George Washington was pleadin’ the case of Marbury vs. Madison.

JUDGE

I didn’t know he was a lawyer?

DEFENSE LAWYER

He was the Father of the Country.

JUDGE

That he was.

JUDGE and DEFENSE LAWYER nod.

DEFENSE LAWYER

What did George say?

LAWYER looks around the room., no one answers.

What did he say?

LAWYER looks around the room.

What did he say?

JUDGE

You knows, soes you say.

DEFENSE LAWYER

He said, Scintillitate, --scintillitate, globus orrific. – Fian would I fathom thy natures specific. –Loftily poised in ether capacious, strongly resembling a gem carbonious.

He looks menacingly about the courtroom.

EVERY One is leaning and watching him.

And what did Abraham Lincoln say about mule stealing?

Everyone shakes their head no, including the JUDGE.

When torrid Phobut refuses his presence and ceases to lamp with firce incadesence, then you illuminate the regions supernal. –Scintilliate, scintillate, --semper nocturnal syllogism.—Again I say syllogism.

He takes his seat amid applause.

JUDGE (scratching his head)

Man, youse a pleadin’ fool – You knows yo’ rules and by-laws.

PROSECUTOR

Judge let me show my glories. –let me spread my habeas corpus.

JUDGE

Tain’t no use.—Dis lawyer done convinced me. –Yawl free!

They begin to exti as the judge points at his watch and

Nods.

I told yo I was fast.

The defendant and lawyer begin to exit.

Shots are fired outside.

A scream is heard.

WOMAN’s VOICE (off)

Dey done killed Cock Robin’.

JUDGE

Now, what foolishness done takin’ place.

BAILIFF enters hurriedly.

BAILIFF

Judge dem animals is at it agin.

JUDGE

I don’t care what foolishness de up to, I’m about to close dis court and walk dis pretty girl home. All that ain’t no here nor there. (smiles at girl) Sorry dalin’ was I to loud?

PRETTY GIRL

No judge you jest so manly de way you speak. –Minds me a my grandfather.

JUDGE

Grandfather?

GIRL

Did I say grandfather? I meant you’re as wise as a grandfather, but young, real young.

JUDGE nods.

A woman dressed as a sparrow enters.

MRS. SPARROW

Justice, we need justice.

BAILIFF

Den what are you doin’ here?

SPARROW

Justice, we need justice.

BAILIFF

Sorry your honor, but dis here character Cock Robin done gotten himself shot and all the birds is a flutter.

JUDGE sighs.

JUDGE

Guess I gots ta settle this up.

He looks at girl and shrugs.

State you case sparrow. And like I said earlier, dat my honor is in bad humor dis mawnin’ an all dis jawin when I could be gone and I done said it once but’s it needs repeatin’, I’d give a canary bird twenty years for peckin’ at a elephant. And sho nuff’ here is one a them bird cases.

BAILIFF

Yes sir, I do remember you sayin’ that.

MS. SPARROW

Someone done killed Cock Robin. Shot him three times.

JUDGE

What’s yo’ name?

MS. SPARROW

I’m Mrs. Sparrow.

JUDGE

Soes what dis Cock Robin to you, that you all a flutter Ms. Sparrow?

MS. SPARROW

He jest a friend yo’ honor, jest a friend.

SOMEONE IN COURT

Jest a friend, HA!

JUDGE

Well, somebody habeas corpus him, show me de body!

They carry Cock Robin in with three arrows in him.

I know that bird, he always at de Juke Joint playin’ cards and winnin’.

BAILIFF

Yes sur, that’s Cock Robin.

JUDGE

Where’d them arrows come from when I heard shots?

BAILIFF checks him.

BAILIFF

He been shot to yo honor.—

BAILIFF pokes with his fingers

Might even been cut a few times.

MS. Sparrow faints.

Somebody powerful angry with this bird.

JUDGE

Well, who we got done did this?

MR. Sparrow is lead into the courtroom.

The BAILIFF is carrying a knife, bow and quiver of

Arrows and a gun. He places them on a table.

BAILIFF

All dis stuff was on him yo honor.

JUDGE

So I guess you Mr. Sparrow?

MR. SPARROW

Yes, yo honor, and I kilt him too.

Mrs. Sparrow has been recovering.

I shot him with the arrows. Then I shot him with a gun, then I stuck him with my knife.

Mrs. Sparrow screams and faints again.

JUDGE

Soes you admittin’ you kilt him?

PROSECUTOR

I object!

JUDGE

Shut up fool. He’s makin’ yo case.

PROSECUTOR

Then I refrain from my objection and make an affirmation positivium.

He sits satisfied.

JUDGE

Whats yo’ circumstances?

MR. SPARROW

Yo honor, Judge sir, when my wife and I first started nestin’ all my eggs were white. Sparrows lay white pretty eggs.

JUDGE

Thas a fact.

MR. SPARROW

--- But every since Cock Robin showed up in the neighborhood and I ‘d go out on a wom hunt all my eggs been blue.

The courtroom gasps.

JUDGE

Blue eggs is robin’s eggs, ain’t they?

MR. SPARROW

Yes, sir!

JUDGE

Humm, was they dyed eggs?

MR. SPARROW

No sir, I checked.

JUDGE

Dat bird needed a first class killin’. Seems he gave des married birds more aid and assistance than was demed necessary. And “needin’ kilin’ is a legal defense in Georgia. Case dismissed.

JUDGE bangs his gavel.

Court Ad-jorned!

JUDGE gets up and walks to the pretty Woman, they exit.

Mr.s Sparrow is still on the floor. PROSECUTOR

Walks up to Mr. Sparrow.

PROSECUTOR

Mr. Sparrow, your nest seems ta be fallin’ apart, do you need a divorce lawyer?

MR. SPARROW thinks.

THE END